I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I have had empathy to people who have struggled with addiction and have encourage many people through the healing process. I haven’t struggled with things that have hurt me or affected me or have changed how I treat people. Or so I thought. In the last months I have been faced with increasing amount of evidence that something is not right in me. I started to notice my frustration level elevated almost constantly. I noticed that I was losing energy to do anything fun or relationally engaging. I was dreading mornings, not just because it was morning, but because I didn’t want to do what I needed to do. I realized I was losing the desire to care – care about success, health, relationships, and people. The alarm bells were going off and I had to take notice. I was addicted to being numb, being emotional complacent, to simply just existing. I was losing myself and my identity. I was addicted to the hidden things of my heart.
I have walked alongside people who have been addicted to drugs and have sat with people as they have come off stranglehold of the drug. It is painful to watch, but for many people to break the addiction means that the person has to force the body to not be reliant on the drug to exist and the cost of that can be painful and shocking as the body relearns to exist without the drug. The detox process is the way back to normal.
Dictionary.com defines detox this way: abstain from or rid the body of toxic or unhealthy substances. When we think of an alcoholic or drug addict it is easy for us to understand the need to take the alcohol or drug away. It makes sense – if something is bad then don’t do it. When you deal with matters of the heart it can be completely different. How do you define what is bad and what is a part of normal life? How do you differentiate between what you can expect as a normal human being and what is toxic to our lives? I am still walking this journey out. I don’t have all the answers but I do know that my heart has become toxic, it is not reflecting that I would like it to reflect, it has slowly stopped living for compassion. I also know that I am beginning the process of detoxing my heart. I am fighting to identify what is unhealthy and eliminating it. I am asking people to tell me what they see in me so that I can eliminate the things that are not helpful to my heart. I am spending more time alone with Jesus, asking Him to tell me who I am and what my heart really can look like. I am excited for my heart to be returned to the condition it was meant to be, and I realize the process might be painful and will come with sacrifice.
I think many people struggle with a toxic heart from years of hurt, disappointment, crisis, betrayal, selfishness, and loneliness. I believe the toxicity of most of our hearts have increased as we have chosen to become critical, sarcastic, and even narcissistic. The result is we are becoming people we don’t want to become, becoming more frustrated with people who we unrealistically expect to treat us like we want to be treated. I believe over the next decade we will continue to learn how to detox our hearts or we will lost our identity. I am committed to beginning the journey of detoxing my heart because I believe I matter and the condition of my heart is imperative to me living out the plans for my life.