One night about 11:00 PM, I got a call that no one wants to get. My senior pastor was on the phone, and he told me that a 16 year old in our church had hit some black ice, had spun out of control, and was hit by an oncoming truck and was killed instantly. It was the first time I had dealt with a death in the ministry that I led.
I was in shock.
My mind raced to what I should do. I was freaked out because I had no idea what to say to the family, to the students, to anyone. The next day the school called and asked if I could come in and be a crisis counselor. So with knees shaking, I walked into the school and into the counselor office. The only instructions they told me was that I was not to mention God or talk about religion, otherwise I was to engage any student that walk through the doors.
Over the next 2 days I spent 18 hours in that room, listening to stories about Kevin, how he made people laugh, how he would give money to people who couldn’t have lunch, how he always shared dad jokes (before there were dad jokes). As the students came in and talked they realized that I was a safe person for them, and they would begin to bring their friends back. I began more relationships with students in those 48 hours than I did over 2 years. I also realized that people really didn’t care what I said during that time. They were more impacted by presence and my desire to listen, cry, and laugh with them. Those learnings on the value of relationships taught me incredibly valuable truths that I still base ministry on today.
People will possibly be attracted to a great program, but they will stay because of great relationships.
I didn’t always believe that. For a number of years I believed if I could just find the right recipe for the perfect program, our ministry would grow and that it would be effective. I spent the majority of my time investing in finding the coolest game, the latest innovative media transitions, and of course working on the most incredible teaching ever. What I found was that the more time I invested in those things the less I felt connected to the ministry and the less the students and volunteers felt connected to each other. I do believe a good program is important to the ministry, but when it comes at the cost of relationships, I have found It undermines what I am trying to accomplish.
Whether in crisis or just living normal life, people were created for relationships. How I value them and prioritize ministry around them will be a huge factor in the depth and length of how students live out their relationship with Jesus. Relationships are the key thing that has produced longevity and impact in youth ministry. I have made 1000s of incredible relationships with students, volunteers, and parents over the last 25 years, and through those relationships Jesus has shown me who He is and who He has made me to be. Relationships don’t always seem to have a great return of investment because they take time and investment and they are messy and you never know if they are going to help you get things done or be a hurdle (or pot hole) in your plans, BUT relationships matter – all relationships matter and are worth the cost.