In the last couple of weeks many of my friends and I have experienced loss and disappointment in ways that we didn’t see coming. The losses weren’t due to the death of a person but instead of a relationship with a church. In American culture relationships with church end at an increasing rate, some of them because of a great next step God has for people and others because of an unplanned or involuntary culmination. I have witnessed way too many endings of people’s relationship with the church and the hurt, pain, confusion, and uncertainty that follows. As I have processed my own experiences and the experiences of the people that I have had the privilege of being around, I have learned the importance of mourning the end of a relationship with a church.
Mourning is defined as the feeling of sadness for a period of time after a loss. It is important to mourn the loss of important things in life, including a relationship with the church. If we just try to suck it up, accuse someone of a wrong, blow it off and move to the church down the road, or even walk away from church altogether, we risk losing a part of who we were made to be and what a fully lived life can look like. What if we practice the discipline of mourning so that we can live an unleashed life?
In Jewish customs there is a period of mourning called Shiva where people mourn the loss of a loved one for seven days. They gather in one home and spend time together expressing their loss and remembering the life that was lived. They welcome people who come to their house to express condolences. The community typically provides for food and basic needs during that time. Shiva is important for many people in setting the foundation for their future after the loss. This practice of mourning was based on Joseph’s mourning of the death of his father in Genesis 50.
I believe we can learn how to navigate a time of mourning of the loss of a relationship with a church through the Jewish custom of Shiva.
First, when a loss happens it is important to gather with people – if you experience the loss of a relationship with a church – it is important to gather together with people to celebrate the relationship (if you are gathering to criticize or complain, then you are not ready to mourn – search out forgiveness and healing first). When you experience the loss of a church I would encourage you to resist the urge to run from community, run from people, instead try to lean in and bring people together to celebrate, remember the things God has done, and to record the past. God did amazing things in and through the church even if it currently is a full blown mess. I know it is hard, but it is important step in the mourning process.
Second, go to people! Shiva has a great understanding that mourning people need to be comforted and that they need to be sought after. Do not believe that they want to be left alone. They will let you know if they do. They probably feel isolated, alone, and confused. If you know of someone who is mourning a loss (especially that of a church) you need to go to them, and don’t go empty handed – bring a starbucks, a meal, a pizza, a gallon of ice cream. Too many times the thought that we don’t know what to do or say stops us from supporting and being a part of the mourning process. I would encourage you to immediately go to mourning people, to help people celebrate the past even if you are also mourning.
Third, at the end of seven days Shiva is over. Sadness is still present, but the open act of mourning is over, it is time to begin to move forward. I have seen people get stuck in Shiva for 7 weeks, 7 months, 7 years and never move forward. These people end up bitter, broken, and potentially toxic which is not the purpose or goal of mourning. I invite you to set a period of time that you will mourn – that you will celebrate, remember, cry out, focus on – the loss and then as soon as the end of that time comes I encourage you to move forward. Take a step, try a new church, try trusting again, invest in people.
I grieve with my friends who are experiencing mourning this week. I’m sorry that you have to walk these days out. I’m proud of you for risking your heart in the church and serving out its mission. The Church is a beautiful thing, what you were a part of was amazing and God inspired. Mourn fully and completely. Gather together, meet each others needs, and set an ending time to the mourning and take a step forward.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8