One day, a parent emailed asking if they could come in with their spouse to talk about concerns that they had with their student. We set up a meeting and as they came walking into my office I quickly realized this conversation would have very little to do with their student.
Before they even sat down, the wife began to tell me how I had ruined her daughter’s spiritual life and that I had destroyed the whole youth ministry. For the next 90 minutes the husband and wife took turns sharing their opinions and criticisms. When there was a moment break in the conversation I attempted to ask clarifying questions or to explain a situation that they were not aware of. The parents were not wanting to hear explanations or even entertain a conversation.
After 90 minutes, I asked them if we could agree on a next step and their response was, email them daily on how I was going to fix this, put the ministry back to the way it was, or if I would leave the church. As they walked out, I felt like I had just been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. I was angry, devastated, and a little panicked. I wish I could say that this instance was the only angry conversations with parents, students, coworkers, school staff, community members, senior pastors, but throughout my ministry life I have bumped into difficult conversations. Many times I have left these conversations defensive, wounded, and frazzled. For many years of my ministry life, these confrontational conversations pushed me to be insecure, guarded, and cautious. It wasn’t until the last 10 years that I have realized that most people don’t really have a personal agenda against me, they are simply hurt people who are trying to figure out how to work through their hurt.
The reality that hurt people, hurt people has been a huge learning curve for me. It has helped me continue to invest in relationships like they matter even when I know some of them will explode on me. As I have learned that hurt people, hurt people I am able to have compassion in my heart for the person even while they are showing their frustration toward me or the ministry. In ministry, we work with people at their best and at their worst. As we build relationships with them, we become a safe place, and sometimes that safe place is the easiest place for them to vent their frustrations.
Things that I have learned when dealing with hurt people is:
- Acknowledge their hurt – I’m sorry you were hurt by that action or I’m sorry that cause you so much pain. Acknowledging their hurt is important for them to feel heard
- Take responsibility – take responsibility where you messed up or where you could have done better – I apologize that I did not communicate more clearly with you, I apologize I didn’t tell the students we were having a paint war tonight, can I buy them a new shirt. BUT do not take responsibility for things you didn’t do – be humble as you evaluate your responsibility, but if you didn’t drag their kid across the gym in front of everyone else, don’t confess to it.
- Pull other people in – If you find yourself in a hurt people, hurt people confrontation, make sure you tell someone afterwards. If you volunteer or work in a ministry, tell the person you report to, because they are probably going to hear about it sooner or later, but also trust that they want to support you through the confrontation.
- Forgive – Forgive the hurt person that hurt you. Let them off the hook. Don’t hold the conversation against them. Now, you probably won’t invite them to give you input on your next event or activity or put them on your Super Bowl Party invite list, but it is important for you to forgive them so that you can let compassion and love rule your interactions with them (and maybe their kids).