Over the last 20 years I have heard a number of well meaning phrases that parents tell their kids, that unknowingly sets them up to fail. In my early years of ministry I had parents or leaders pull a student aside and tell them how mature they were. Many times, the student was mature for their age and for the time of life that they were living in. Telling a student that they were mature was a great way to encourage a student and to let them know they were doing a great job. The problem was that many times a 12 year old, or 14 year old, or 16 year old, (or their parent) received that word as an achievement, but also as their permanent identity. I have met many 12 year olds who acted as mature as a 15 year old, but 5 years later, they were still acting like a 15 year old and were still clinging to the “mature” label. I have had countless parents walk into my office and tell me that their student has always been mature for their age and that they didn’t need to be taught or discipled, but instead should be the ones who are leading. Meanwhile, the youth staff and volunteers had been dealing with their inappropriate behavior, selfish interactions with their group, or defiant attitude. I also have had plenty of parents and leaders ask me how a student who was always seen as mature end up making terrible decisions and walking away from their faith. I have had numerous hard conversations helping good people unpack the hidden power of a label. Young people are constantly seeking to figure out who they are and who they are becoming. Important people in a young person’s life have tremendous influence in how the person thinks of themselves. When someone gives a young person a label, especially if it is a label they want, many young people quickly claim it as their forever identity and don’t realize that it takes constant work to maintain that character quality. Unfortunately I have seen well meaning parents and leaders limit young developing students because of a label that was put on them.
I also have been guilty of giving a student a label over and over again. I remember a young girl in one of the churches I was serving in. She was a freshman and had been through a ton of hard situations with her family and health. She had chosen to invest in people and make sure that everyone she came in contact with felt loved and cared for. She raised money for causes, she reached out and invited friends, she led in the youth ministry, and everyone who came in contact with her was encouraged and lifted. I remember telling her how proud I was of her, how mature she was, and I even said I hope my girls would grow up to be like her. Four years later as she left for college, she starting partying, making poor decisions, and walked away from God. I remember talking with her mom over and over again as we tried to figure out what happened to the sweet, mature high school freshman girl. There were many reasons, but as I had the opportunity to talk to her throughout the years it was easy to tell, that one of the things that troubled her was the pressure she felt to be mature even when she didn’t feel like it. She would tell me that she felt mature as a freshman in high school but had never thought about what she would need to do to keep maturing. As she entered her junior and senior year, she internally realized that she wasn’t acting mature, but everyone around her kept calling her mature and she felt she had to pretend to live out the label. As she transitioned to college she was exhausted at feeling like a fake and she gave up and began to make choices that she wasn’t proud of, but it felt like a relief to not have to live up to the mature. This is just one story of many that I can tell. The humbling reality that I had unintentionally contributed to a student struggling to live under the weight of a label has changed how I interact with students.
I have found that each decade had its own well meaning phrase that parents and leaders give to advancing students. Whether it is you are mature, you’re a winner, or the latest – you are a World Changer, I believe that we must be careful in how we label young people. I do believe every person can be a World Changer, but when a young impressionable person hears that they are a World Changer, they begin to believe that whatever they choose to do, they are a World Changer. I have witnessed many current high schoolers who were told most of their life that they are World Changers struggle to have purpose or direction in their lives. Many of them validate poor behavior or even mean behavior because they are a World Changer and people should adjust and follow them. I have seen this generation become more entitled and more angry when things don’t go the way they think it should. Many times when I debrief with these students, I find that most of them have a mindset that since they were labeled as a World Changer that people should agree with them and work for them. I have seen the hidden danger of a well-meaning label given to a young person and I encourage all leaders and influencers to be diligent and careful in how they hand out those words. If you as a leader hand out label to a young person, please be committed to walking alongside that person and help them develop trait so that it can be fully developed and that they can live with the power and truth of who they are.